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ARNELL HILL Creative Writing

Creative Writing

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You Know the Rapture Has Arrived When......

I just found out that Kanye West just put out a Gospel album.  Now that's noteworthy in itself.  But that means we have time to get it together still.  It's not quite Rapture time yet.  But....if you hear that R Kelly puts out a double vinyl gospel album, realize that the rapture is right around the corner!

Prescription names for children

I get a kick out of the commercials on TV advertising prescription drugs.  First there is the 15 minute list of the negative side effects of the drugs.  Then I realized one night that the names of the drugs actually are great names for new babies.  Can you imagine naming your baby Latuda? Dovato Jones.  Myrena Johnson?  Kyleena.  Humira?  Dupixent Smith.  And of course the greatest female name ever, Anafalaxis.

July 4th and the National Anthem

It just occurred to me that the ending of the United States national anthem should be amended to "...and the land of the free, since 1865."  Plus all those references and advertisements also need correcting to add the clarifier "...since 1865".  Because that is when the United States institution of legalized slavery ended.  Of course all that has transpired in the 154 years since has not been land of the free activities for black and other people of color in this land.

Real Poverty

When I was young we were so poor we ate Rice without the Roni.

 

Uncle Melvin Explains Easter

With Easter coming up, I remember my Uncle Melvin and his attempts to teach me about religion.  My Aunt’s always told me to never listen to Uncle Melvin when it came to talking about God.  I remember Uncle Melvin trying to explain the real story of Easter and what it meant.  I was probably about 5 years old.  He said that Easter was the time when Jesus and this bunny rabbit went off to find some eggs that somebody named Pompous Pilot had hidden in some garden.  According to Uncle Melvin, the Pilot found out and used magic to turn the rabbit into chocolate.  Uncle Melvin said that the Pilot put a World Wrestling Entertainment wrestling move on Jesus called “the crucifixion” that knocked Jesus out for 3 days until he woke up.  I told my Aunts what Uncle Melvin said.  After that they wouldn’t let Uncle Melvin talk to me about religion anymore.

The Solution to Crime

I get tired of hearing news stories about crime. Let’s face it.  People do whatever the hell they want to.  Good or bad.  It just seems like we as people are better at doing bad stuff.  And we’re very creative doing bad stuff.  I wonder do people stay up all night thinking about crazy horrendous crimes to commit or just improvise it?  My answer is to expect the crimes and just develop harsh inhumane punishments.  If somebody commits a crime, yeah give them a trial but stop sending guilty folks to prison!  What I would do is give those found guilty 2 bottles of 8 ounces of water, take them to an isolated spot in the desert, at least 700 miles from civilization and just leave them there.  To show that I do have some humanity I would leave them some lumber and some bibles.  Give them some hardware to build shelter.  Then they can do the hell what they want to each other.  Yes, I would monitor what they are doing.  If things got out of hand I would authorize a military strike to take them all out.  Compassion has a limit.  Then send the next group of criminals in and start fresh.

Gas Pump Questions in 5 below weather

I hate to pump gas in cold weather.  If I could find a full service gas station in the winter time, I would drive for half an hour to get my tank filled up. You know.  You pull up to the pump, call a number and tell someone to come the hell out and fill up your car with gas.  I’m serious.  I would tip for that. The way it is now, they have the gas pumps set up to ask you like 12 questions before you can even lift up the gas nozzle.  You out there freezing while being asked some stupid questions by a machine. You slide your card in the machine. Then it asks you is this a Credit card?  Debit Card?  Rewards Card?  What is your zip code?  Who’s your momma?  How much do you weigh? Are you Black?  Are you Latino? Then the dumbest question is, “Do you want a receipt?”  If I have to get my behind out in 2 below zero temperature to pump 10 gallons of gas and answer 12 questions for 5 minutes you damn right I want a receipt.  Who thinks up those questions?  A gas pump needs to say only 3 things.  Slide your payment card in. Pump your gas.  Take your receipt and go.  3 questions in less than 30 seconds.  Getting gas should be like a pit stop in a stock car race.  They should give rewards for the quickest gas pump stop.  If you break the record your gas is free!

Cold Christmas Donation to Bell Ringer

Yeah, when it’s cold I avoid making too many stops in my car.  I remember one day around Christmas I was driving past this Salvation Army bell ringer.  I was in the giving mode but it was like 6 degrees outside with a wind chill of 7 below.   So, I roll down my window and threw money out in the direction of the bucket.  It’s the thought that counts.

Old School Eatin'

Today I make up for what I did not eat when I was a child.  When I was a child we were poor.  So we always ate poor people food.  One my snacks was eating raw white starch from a box.  It tasted pretty good, but it was nasty eating.  Your mouth would get all covered with white paste and your lips would be all white.  It was like you were eating paste! Yeah, it was no potato chips for us.  Another snack treat was dog biscuits.  Man that was some good snackin.  I don’t know where we got the dog biscuits from because we didn’t have a dog.  My parents tried to keep us fed, but some of the stuff was just gross to me.   Okra.  It was slimy and looked like it was the severed arm of a lizard or something.  Then there was pig tails.  It was our meat substitute.  Slimy pretend meat.  But we ate it.  Put some mustard on it and eat that pretend slimy meat.  We didn’t have steaks.  It was pig tails.  Then there was the infamous neck bones.   Now neck bones were supposed to be the meat in a meal.  But you had to suck whatever meat was in the bones for like 15 minutes to even get a semblance of tasting meat.  There was more bones than meat in the neck bones.  Finally you got so tired sucking the meat, that you just ate the bones and all.  Put some mustard on it and eat that crunchy pretend meat item.  Then later on for a snack we ate spaghetti sticks from the box.  Who needs potato chips when you can eat a handful of spaghetti sticks?  My favorite poor food was eating Captain Crunch at breakfast.  Nothing like a bowl of sugar to get you ready for a hard day at school!  One of our holiday foods was eating chittlings.  That was a unique tasting meat item.  I didn’t know where they came from.  I just know they were good with hot sauce.  It wasn’t until much later that I found out chittlings were the intestines of pigs!  Now I don’t know how I felt about that once I found out.  I just remember that they tasted good with hot sauce.  One of my favorite things I could buy from the local store was suzy  Q cupcakes.  Suzy Q cupcakes were my thing.  Cost 15 cents. They had one package with two chocolate cup cakes with creamy icing in between the layers of cake.  I would spend like 20 minutes eating that cupcake.  Eat you a bowl of Captain Crunch and then a pack of Suzy Q cupcakes and it was heaven on Earth.

The Omen 2017

Anyone old enough to remember the "Damien" trilogy of movies that started in 1976? The main character's name was Damien Thorn. Those initials "DT" are eerily similar to that of the current alleged human being serving as President of the United States. The 1976 Omen was followed by Omen 2 and Omen 3. Hopefully our current "DT" will be the last one we have to endure!

"45" and Kim Jung-Un Do Battle Using the songs of Elton John!

 

The nuclear test drama between leaders of the United States and North Korea entered another chapter this week.  "45" called the North Korean leader, Kim Jung-Un, "Rocket Man" and then continued speaking about Kim Jung-Un as the song "Rocket Man" by Elton John played in the background.  Secret service men could be seen in the background mouthing the lyrics of the songs while scanning the crowd.

About half an hour later, Kim Jung-Un responded by calling "45's" remarks those of a barking dog as the Elton John song, "The Bitch is Back" played in the background.

Fifteen minutes later, "45" sent the White House Press secretary to remind the press of his "rain of fire and fury" comments to the sounds of Elton John's "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road".

Kim Jung-Un quickly responded by playing the Elton John song, "Tiny Dancer" with a photographic close up of "45's" crotch area.

Not to be outdone, "45" had the song "Saturday Night's Allright" blasting onto Pennsylvania Avenue through the exterior White House speakers.

Minutes later the airwaves in North Korea were filled with the strands of the song "I'm Still Standing" by Elton John.

"45" then went off his scheduled speech at a luncheon as he started singing the Elton John song, "Bennie and the Jets" as he pointed to a hand held map of North Korea.

The back and forth came to an end and the parties called it a day after Kim Jung-Un played the song "Don't go breaking my heart" as he ordered another missile test over the country of Japan.

We understand that both leaders will be moving to the play list of the Rolling Stones in the next volley of musical exchanges.

Black Actors as KFC Colonel Sanders!

I saw the other day that Rob Lowe will be the latest actor to play the role of the Kentucky Fried Chicken icon Colonel Sanders in commercials.  My first thought of course was why can't KFC select a black man to play the role of Colonel Sanders?  Can you envision Jamie Fox, Kevin Hart, Steve Harvey, Eddie Murphy or Cedric the Entertainer in the role of the Colonel?  I can see either one of these actors adding some improvisation to the commercials.  Comments like, "This sure would taste good with some greens!"  Or, "Where's the hot sauce?"  So Jamie, Eddie, Steve, Kevin, Cedric, have your agents contact KFC and drop a commercial for us as the first black Colonel Sanders!

What If ? (Here is a commercial I would like to see on television or during previews at the movies!)

Let us return to the year 1500.  A ship of settlers having made their way from Europe approach the eastern shore of what we now call the United States of America.  As they approach the shore they see a gigantic wall around the shore.  It rises some 90 feet from the ground.  It looks as though the wall extends forever along the coast line.  Several settlers get into a small boat and head for shore to get a closer look at the wall and to look for an entry point.  They walk for over an hour, but still find no entry point.  All of a sudden from behind them appears a group of Native Americans.  Sons of the original settlers of this land.  The Europeans are startled at first.  Then the Europeans attempt to communicate through hand signals indicating that they want to get inside the wall.  One Native American responds by rolling out onto the ground what looks to be a map.  It is a map of the world with "X" marks on the countries in Europe.  The Native American then points for them to head back to their boat.

Onto the screen comes a Native American narrator.  "What if we had vetted you in your first excursions into America?  What if we had denied you entry into our land?  What if we had built a wall?

The scene ends with the Europeans getting back into the boat and returning to their ship.  A view of the never ending wall ends the scene.  The caption "extreme vetting" comes on the screen.

Trump's Jobs Program

America's Russian puppet President, Donald Trump, will soon initiate his "America First" jobs program.  Plans are in progress for building the  immigration "Wall of Jericho" between the United States and Mexico.  In anticipation of the start of the massive project, thousands of Mexican and South American citizens are flooding the United States southern border, in the many underground tunnels beneath the proposed wall site, to get in line to apply for the wall builder positions.  Due to national security reasons, the wall builder federal jobs will be exempt from the Federal hiring freeze enacted by Trump this week.  The number of people needed to complete the project will also entice the many unemployed American black males to apply for the jobs also, only to be rejected for numerous reasons not yet developed.  Sean Spicer, Trump's alternate facts Press Secretary, told reporters that Trump is considering giving first preference for the new wall builder positions to descendants of Native Americans.  Spicer said Trump told him "we owe it to the Indians to allow them to help make America great again!"  He said this as he signed an executive order restarting the Dakota oil pipeline.  In protest against the proposed project, teenage hackers got into the Homeland Security web site and posted a video of John Mellencamp singing the iconic song "Crumblin' Down".  Internet chatter also spiked with discussion of proposed terrorist projects to target the wall shortly after it's completed.

 

Uncle Melvin and the blizzard

  • I grew up in Saint Louis, Missouri during the 1960s.  I had some classic old school Uncles.   Brilliant black men.  One time when I was a kid I once told my Uncle Melvin that I wanted some Mc Donalds French fries. That was a big thing back then, because we didn’t have any money to eat at McDonalds let alone any place.  So Uncle Melvin tells me, “Why pay McDonalds for French fries?”  He told me he would make me some.  So he got one small potato, some butter, a knife and a skillet.  Then he took that one small potato, cut it up and made about 800 shoestring French fries.  All from one small potato. He fried them in butter, and put some hot sauce on them. Best fries I ever had!
  • Then this other time I told Uncle Melvin, “The TV says there’s an ice storm coming.  Let’s go to the store for food!”  Uncle Melvin was all cool.  He turned to me and said, “We got bread?”  I said “yeah”.  Uncle Melvin asked “We got potatoes?”  I said “yeah” and smiled.  “French fries!”  Uncle Melvin asked “We got Con, Die, Mints?”  I said “Connie who?”  He said “Con, Die, Mints!  Mustard, mayonnaise, sugar, butter, hot sauce!”  I said, “Oh, condiments!  Yeah we got all that.”  Uncle Melvin said “we’ll be all right then.”  The ice storm came.  We were stuck inside for 3 days.  But we ate good.  Along with his famous shoe string French fries Uncle Melvin made the best Mayonnaise sandwiches, mustard sandwiches, I ever had.  For dessert we had melted butter grease spread on bread toasted in the oven with sugar on top.  “Sweet sugar toast”.  Now that was real eating.

Mentoring

  • I mentor kids in school. I know I’m old, but this one kid asked me if when I grew up did I know Harriett Tubman?  So I told him the truth.  I said, yeah I knew Harriett, Jesus Christ, and the Apostles.  As a matter of fact, me, Harriett and Jesus would hang out at the Whattaburger over by the highway.  That’s where we made the 10 Commandments.